Resolving to Resolve

Here is a post I listed on my blog Walking Toward Wisdom:

This year has been filled with challenges. Some of them great, some small. Some affecting communitities and nations. Some influencing only me. The most obvious challenges are the ones I've created: learning more about the world, saving money, losing weight, and, more recently, to read more books. The country has also been challenged with a new president, a new administration, and a new way of thinking about race. This upcoming year will also have its challenges. Many will be the same one's I've tried to battle in 2008.

Of all the challenges, I am finding my battle with weight the most difficult. I am not huge (yet), but I don't want to have to get there before I realize I have to stop gaining weight. Part of my challenge in learning about the world now must also encompass learning more about myself if I am to win. I must overcome my excuses for not exercising.

Centers like Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and such are available, but at what cost? There is not only the financial investment, which is not an option given my financial goal, but there is also the investment of time and other resources. Are there free weight loss centers?

First Post

Okay. Another totally unoriginal blog. This blog is about my weight loss or lack thereof. I’m not a serious dieter, but I do diet from time to time. Some people say I’m not fat, but really, I think it all has to do with the way I wear my clothes. I try not to be a slave to fashion, but rather instead to select clothes that flatter my figure. Underneath, I am round, but I want to be flatter. Emaciated? No. Just a good, healthy size.

Since Thanksgiving, I’ve been trying the Atkins diet unsuccessfully. I just can’t wrap my mind around not having carbohydrates. What’s the point of eating if you can’t have bread? Why have dessert if not with cookies? Why have breakfast without muffins? I only have to do it for two weeks to see results, but I just can’t say no to carbs. The more try to say no, the more I find myself thinking about food and stuffing my face with it. I’m very prone to binging right now. Everyone is really. The holidays are all about food.

One disadvantageous advantage I have is my lack of friends. Without all the holiday parties, I won’t be tempted to indulge. On the other hand, not being with people makes me lonely. And that loneliness makes me weak. So I eat. The new thing now for me is not binging, but eating out a lot. Because I don’t interact with others as often as I’d like, I go out to eat. I sit at a table with a book and I read like I’m with someone I love. But before me is a HUGE plate of whatever it is I’ve ordered. I don’t want all that food, but I eat it because I don’t want to appear that I’m not really hungry. Somehow, if I don’t eat, I fear that people will know I only came to the restaurant so I won’t be alone.

In the meantime, I’m gaining weight like a walrus. My thighs are huge. My ass is bigger. And my arms…well, they just keep waving.

I wonder if I had a boyfriend whether I’d eat so much. The answer, I know, is no because he would fill my loneliness. He would be what I’d be doing (no pun intended) rather stuffing my mouth with food. So here it comes. Here is the challenge.

I want to slim down to a size 8. My smallest ever was a size 10. Now I’m a size 16. I can’t stand it. I hate being fat.